Poetic Madness [shiteki hakkyou]

Sitting in the Bathroom

2011-08-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the bathroom
It's a daily routine
Cleansing the pores
The bladder,
The stomach,
The eyes,
The mind.

Sitting in the bathroom
Hearing the siblings scream
For Mommy,
For Daddy,
For toys,
For attention,
For absolutely no reason.

Sitting in the bathroom
Looking in the mirror
Trying to find
A pimple,
A scar,
A wrinkle,
A reason for living.

Sitting in the bathroom
Bare feet on the porcelain
I feel like...
My feet are cold,
The floor is hard,
My muscles move,
I feel nothing. Numb.

Standing in the bathroom
Getting ready to go
Moving,
Closing door,
Leaving.

~ARS~
8/27/11 (3:18pm)

Memories & Scars

2011-08-16T23:40:00.000-07:00

Time heals all wounds they say,
Yet they have never been in the heat of battle or the fray.

They can't know how long pain lasts
That even the most insignificant words can send you to your painful past.

Time heals all wounds
And all that is left are scars, memories that forever looms.

Life that will never be broken,
Time that shall never be tamed.
So thus people will never be sane.

Aged memories are old scars.

~ARS~
8/17/11

I Want It All

2011-03-30T09:25:00.000-07:00

I want to live,

I want to die.

I want to walk,
I want to fly.

I want to speak,
I want to sing.

I want the freedom to be,
Everything.

I want meaning in life,
I want nothing out of life.

I want simple,
I want complex.

I want purity,
I want sex.

I want to be smart,
I want to be naive.

I want to be Adam,
I want to be Eve.

I want to Pray,
I want to Sin.

I want to be good,
I want all the trouble I can get in.

I want all,
That I can have.

And I want to be,
All that I can be.

~ARS~
03/30/11

Snow Globe

2011-03-11T08:48:00.000-08:00

Snow Globe

Sitting down
In the snow.
Watching the flacks fall on my face.

Completely covered
from head to toe
Everything around me
Covered in a sheet of snow.

Eyelashes dyed white
The ground blinding and bright.
Sitting down in this snow globe.

~ARS~
3/6/11

I'm a Ghost

2011-03-11T08:38:00.000-08:00

I'm a Ghost
Shooting up
On the rug
Found a stink bug.

He went up her nose
then down her throat
with it's foul perfume giving her throat a thick coat.

She gags
then pukes
all over her brand new boots

While I sit here and watch.
Helpless and sad.
Wishing things weren't always so bad.

Her arms are red from the punctures
like small bugs crawling all over her
She doesn't understand its all a blur.

"Why are you here?
Did you come to play with me?
Do you like what you see?"

I don't know what to do,
What to say,
Or how to say it.

In truth, i would have stopped her long ago,
If I could.
And so I should.

But I am dead to her now.
A ghost that haunts her.
A reminder.

A memory.
An emotion.
Her very last notion.

I stare down at her in a white sun dess now,
laying still in a casket.
With her favorite doll carrying a small basket.

She's the dead one now.
She will be my memory,
My emotion,
My Ghost.

~ARS~
2/7/11

Little By Little

2010-12-21T10:03:00.001-08:00

Little By Little

Living in the moment.

Breath by Breath.

Moving On.

Step by Step.

Smiling

Even when there is no reason to.

Standing Tall

Even when you can't stand in the shoes.

Keeping it Together

Even though you are not sure how.

Looking Strong

Even though you are weak now.

Keeping Faith

Prayer by Prayer

Lvining Your Life

Day by Day.

~ARS~

Waiting...

2010-09-15T07:40:00.000-07:00

Waiting…

Currently waiting,

Patiently Waiting,

Unwillingly waiting,

For him to walk in the room.

Waiting to see his face,

His smile; His eyes,

Waiting for his hand in mine.

Waiting for his voice, telling me he’s done;

We can go home.

We waited in traffic,

We waited for the start;

We waited for her;

Take him, evaluate him.

Give him a key, a step in the right direction.

Now I wait.

Patiently wait.

Unwillingly wait.

But waiting all the same,

For him to come walking,

With one hand in his pocket,

To touch my back,

To tell me he’s in;

He has the first step; the key.

To tell me he wants to go,

Go home.

I’m waiting…

~ARS~

5/27/10

Letter to the Risen

2010-09-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

Hello,

This is me.

Yes me.

Yeah I’m down here.

Yes, I’m one of the ones that you left behind.

I know that you are having a great time up there.

I know that you are finally happy.

I’m glad and relieved that you are there.

But I just don’t understand…

What’s going to happen to me?

Yes me.

Yeah, I am still down here.

Yes, I am the one you left behind.

I know you love me.

I love you.

But what am I to do without you?

How could you expect I would be alright?

You’re not here.

I’m not alright.

You are up there,

High in the heavens.

Dancing,

Singing,

Laughing,

Rejoicing.

I’m down here,

Walking the earth.

Falling,

Crying,

Frying,

Dying.

Don’t you remember?

Can’t you see?

I need you.

Remember when you needed me?

I was told to be patient.

That my time will come.

But I just want to be with you.

Up there.

Happy.

Dancing.

Singing.

Laughing.

But hey…

I just wanted to say,

It’s me.

Yes me.

Yeah, still down here.

Yes, one you left behind.

I guess, Goodbye,

And I love you.

~ARS~

9/15/10

YOU

2010-09-07T15:52:00.001-07:00

To be blunt,
I'm on the hunt.
For something
or someone,
just beyond my reach.

Someone who can teach,
someone who can preach,
someone who can bleach
all of these stains out.

All the blood stains
that won't go away,
that jump out at me in a fray.

What can I say?
I'm messy,
stained,
scared,
and I should be barred up
in a cell somewhere.

Just so they,
have nothing to fear.

So I hunt and I search...
and search...

So you can be safe...
So I can be safe....

From You.

And all others like
the ones who made you.
Temptress,
Liar,
Deceiver!

I Accuse you!
For all you did to me!
The lies,
the stabs,
the hate!

You ruined lives,
you used me!
Destroyed my very being!

So I hunt and I search...
for a way to make you fall from your perch.

I hate you!
YOU!

Off of...

2010-09-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

the top of my head
It's how I roll.
None around me can possibly control
how I am,
off the top i am,
high off the ground I am,
flying high,
and with a deep sigh,
the day dream is over and the idea's
have just begun,
like a picture yet to be hung.

It's just off the top of my head.
Did you get it?

Procrastination

2009-04-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

{Written November 20th, 2008}
Procrastination

I'm just sitting here,
watching, waiting, letting my mind lurk
into places that spark ones fear.

I don't want to finish my papers,
I haven't really even started.
there is no fruit to those labors.

so here i sit,
letting the world go by
waiting for that dark shadow to lift.

I really don't want to go to my class,
listening to her, and to have ears bleed
I would much rather sit here on my ass.

~Ab-senpai

Weak and Small

2009-03-31T10:58:00.000-07:00

{written on November 12th 2008}

Weak and Small

Heaven help us now

cry the weak and the small

how can you leave us be?

Are we not ment to live?

Are we not ment to breathe?

how can you stare at us,watch us suffer?

Can't you hear our screams?

work your power,save us now!

we go weary of our helplessness

our hopelessness

as this life leads us down

to hell...

Mini Poetic Rant

2009-03-31T10:30:00.000-07:00

{written on November 12th 2008}
Mini Poetic Rant

I'm slowly fading from veiw,
i see, that i can no longer hold one to what i had always held dear.
I'm far too comsumed by fear.

Of what's to come,
what's unspoken.
how do i stop these thoughts ravenging at my very soul?

i wish i understood why i am so cold...

~Ab-senpai {mini poetic rant}

Change You

2009-03-05T10:58:00.000-08:00

{Written on Nov 11th, 2008}

Change You

ever think that life is so insane
not plain
insane

Ever want to grow wings and soar
don't be a bore
soar

Do you want change?
it's not deranged
change

Here's what to do, be you
who?
YOU!

~Ab-Senpai

Make You Proud?

2009-03-05T10:01:00.000-08:00

{Posted on Nov 6th, 2008

written a year before}

[Make You Proud?]

When trust is earned,

Trust is kept.

Lessons that need be learned,

Mocked me as I wept.

How long must I bend and break,

Just to make you proud.

How must I toil for the sake,

You hate me when I’m loud.

Anything I say or do,

Comes out wrong in the end.

All that I give you,

Far away you send.

When will you respect me as I am?

And take no offense to what I say?

Or will you keep me forever damned,

And never give me the time of day?

~ARS~

If Only You Knew

2009-03-05T09:41:00.000-08:00

{Posted on Nov 6th, 2008}

If Only You Knew

If only you knew,

how much I care for you.

How when you have pain,

my heart breaks in two.

‘Cause when you have pain,

I do too.

If only you knew,

how much you make me cry.

How when you’re angry,

I feel I might die.

‘Cause when you’re angry,

to make you happy, I try.

If only you knew,

how much I think of you.

How all you’re jokes make me laugh,

and it kills me, that the time we spend is all too few.

‘Cause you make me laugh,

something people really hardly do.

If only you knew,

how I love to hear you talk.

How your voice brings out a smile,

listening to all the voices you mock.

‘Cause, your voice brings out my smile,

no wonder I always gawk.

If only you knew,

how I feel inside.

How from the very start, you I tried to avoid,

for I knew I would become too attached.

‘Cause from the start, you I tried to avoid,

but now to you I’m latched.

If only you knew,

how much pain you cause.

How you and I could never be,

you and I together, a relationship with too many flaws.

“Cause you and I could never be,

everything we are is against the laws.

If only you knew,

that everything you do has a price.

That everything you offer me, can just as quickly be taken,

and this has put me in a vice.

“Cause everything you offer me, is just as quickly taken,

and leaves me at the feet of Christ.

If Only You Knew . . .

{Finished 11/21/07}

I've Been Waiting...

2009-03-05T09:37:00.000-08:00

{Written on Nov 4th, 2008}

I've Been Waiting

I've been waiting,
for what i do not know.
I"ve been waiting,
sitting here,
looking out unto the clouds
waiting for what life wants to show.

I'm hoping the sun comes up,
brightens up the sky.
I hope the sun comes up
Kisses the clouds,
makes them blush
While I'm waiting here up high.

I am waiting with the wind in my ears
whipsering secrets breathed as of late.
I am waiting with the wind in my ears
it's breeze nipping at my skin
dust swirling to and fro
mesmerizing me, while i wait.

Tearing in the Sun

2009-03-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

{Written on Nov 3rd, 2008}

Tearing In The Sun

Your killing me
cant you see that
life is meaningless
to me with out you
here
sitting beside me
smiling while i
rant and rave
about all the people
that we could save
yet your not here
you'll never be

an empty spot
where someone once sat
haunts me
night and day
Did you ever exist
or was it just me
dreaming again
wanting and waiting
for someone to care
not one to just stop
and stare

everyone has someone
but me
I feel so faint
in this world
i apparently taint

I sit here
rambling to myself
waiting someone to
sit
where that empty spot is
No one ever comes
as i sit her tearing in the sun.

Aching For You

2009-03-04T12:34:00.000-08:00

{Written around 5 years ago}

Aching For You

I find myself walking out in the open.

The sky goes dark,

and the rain comes,

covering me as my heart pounds in my eardrums.

I begin to feel a pain,

my hands start to ache for yours to hold.

My skin screams for your touch of old,

when all was good with us.

My feet are sore from walking toward you and

my legs start to buckle wanting to be held by you.

Our days together were all to few.

My eyes are tired and worn, just looking for your warm face

as my lips cry out for your kiss, at our secret place.

We were so happy then.

My mind is numbing, constantly asking where did you go?

Please tell me I want to know!

Why has it become like this?

With this pain still griping me, I come to this place,

my heart still breaking for your wonderful warm embrace.

I want to be with you!

My soul tares apart, as if a crucial part is missing,

and my Spirit pray’s out loud for you to hear me and

feel my pain.

I’m wandering, do you feel this too?

Do you feel me missing you?

How I miss your hand entangled in mine.

How long has it been since I have felt you,

since I last heard your voice?

Too long.

I’m coming apart at the seams.

All life is unraveling, it’s like life has no meaning.

Now I have this feeling, will I ever see you again?

As the rain comes down,

hits the ground, my tears start to blend with it.

And the pain overtakes me.

Soon my body is one, with the surroundings about me.

As my hands begin to reach out for you,

the rain and I become one,

and I cry over you, each drop saying quietly,

“I love you…”

Time to Go

2009-03-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

{Written Oct 30th, 2008}

Time to Go

How do you know when it's your time to go?
your time to float over the land from sea to sea.

when does one figure out that they are better off dead,
instead of just sitting there tormenting me?

all i want for you, my great mentor
is the peace that you crave

I'm tired of this game anymore,
i want you to take all this pain to your grave.

How long must this continue
how long is he going to make you wait?

Death angel, the reaper that you are,
don't you think that they are years past their date?

go home my dear,
know in life you did your best.

all those trails are over
and now it's time for you to rest.

~Ab-senpai

Sanity?

2009-03-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

{Written Oct 30th, 2008}

Sanity?

The golden age
in the body of a sage
directing us back to sanity's stage
where only fools gage
how sane you really are.

Does no one realize
that it's not just ones size
that we criticize
but all together it's better to be wise
and keep our mouths shut for sanity's sake.

In ones mind
who knows what you'll find
something kind?
are we blind?
did anything make sense at all?

come on, can't you see?
we are not all that's cracked up to be
everything has some sort of fee
and that's fine by me
but what happens when we can't take it anymore?

I sincerely hope
that if you are at the end of your rope
you'll find a way to cope
and stand on that box of soap
and scream out loud on sanity's stage.

You can never really know
how life is going to flow
in that boat that rows
even in waters so low
except when you look back from the Stage.

~Ab-senpai~

Major Writters Block

2009-03-04T12:13:00.000-08:00

This was originally written on Oct 28th, 2008
Enjoy.

~~~**~~~

Major Writers Block

for one like me
who rants with out a care
it's very hard to describe
when my tongue gets tied
and writers block makes life not fair.

i wish to let words from my mouth soar
describing all that i see
to take you to lands that you've never been before.
to give you a glimpse of who I am.

for someone completely stuck
who has so many stories to tell
it's very hard to put into words
the frustartion i feel inside
when I know i can right reasonably well

can someone help me please
my brain and mouth seem to be out of touch
will someone make this pain ease
and let my mind, mouth, and hands be free?

{help...}

Rainbow Kitty Doggy Poem

2009-03-02T08:15:00.000-08:00

In Honor Of a good friend of mine. He wanted me to write something positive for once. This can also be viewed on My Live Journal.

Rainbow Kitty Doggy Poem!

So lets go back,
to where things were simpler.
Where magic was alive
and rainbows were portals
to worlds unseen.

Where dogs talked,
fish could walk,
and the trees danced around,
being marry.

What would happen if cats were
kitty's
and dogs were
puppys
forever till the end of time.

World of smiles
worlds away by miles,
full of promises that are actually
going to be kept.

Little girls princesses be,
Little boy's are pirates on the sea.
in a world full of pride
a world of light.

Forever be the same.

May happiness be your's one and all.

~Ab-Senpai